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    June 15

    雁过留痕、Sherry.灰原哀(梦)、错过的美丽

         哀是我为自己取的名字,当阿笠博士问我改成爱会不会好些时,我只能苦笑着摇头。我的存在就是一个错误,我的世界只是一抹哀伤的灰色,抑或是绝望的破败。黑色。姐姐死后。我能感觉到枯竭的呼吸。直到我遇到我的第一线光明,唯一的光明。工藤新一。暖暖的弧度上扬的嘴角自信而不张扬的微笑,只有在他面前,我才能蜕去自己冷漠的外壳,哭得像小孩般不能自己。因为他熔化一切,看透一切,包容一切,甚至苏醒了我曳曳飘零的心。正因为如此,我才能用生命来交换他的安全。在“死”前的几秒钟,望着他惊诧和难过的表情,心里忽然觉得好宁静,从未有过的宁静。我微笑着对他说:“我们的生命就全看你了,你一定要赢,因为,你就是我们的福尔摩斯。”我闭上眼睛,没有一点死亡的恐惧。因为是你,所以生命也是值得交付的,因为是你,是你这给连自己的性命都不顾也要救像我这样的叛徒的大笨蛋。你擦着一脸血迹却始终微笑着对我说:“灰原,别逃,永远不要逃离自己的命运。”因为是你,所以我相信。 
         你如世纪末的阳光,渐渐抚平了我支离破碎的心。可是你知道吗?你才是我心中唯一的,最透明的伤痕。因为我们永远不会相交,你的心里,眼里永远只容得下一个身影。是我的不小心出现,不小心硬插到你们中间,不小心爱上你。可是你们都用爱填补了我渴望但一直不曾拥有的心。尤其是她。像姐姐,甚至超过了姐姐。她背对着枪口挡在我面前,我可以听到她因恐惧而颤抖的呼吸。她紧紧抱着我,甚至安慰我,“别怕,小哀,,我已经报警了,只要再忍耐一下下就好了,一下就好了……”其实她本可以逃的。她一直在等你。即使流泪也要强装微笑。像花一样柔弱而不坚强,即使可以保持着外表躲避风雨但仍恋着阳光,暴风雨到来时,即使再华丽的外表也无法阻挡。我都明白,工藤君。所以我永远不会说出那句话,我不要夹在你们中间,让你作出选择,因为, 我怕你会难过。
         我已经远远离开,看你们幸福,替你们祷告,这并不是逃避,也不是成全,只是我懂你们的爱,因为我同样爱你们,这才是我真正的幸福。
         谁是谁命中的过客,谁是谁生命的转轮,千年望尽,碧海潮笙处,如泣如诉……
         工藤君,也许我们就是这样,在不知不觉中,彼此错过了……

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